In this context, to split describes the occasional wish of a psychiatrist who may be mired in the chaos created by the behavior of a patient diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. That can prevent you from genuine growth and self-compassion. What?!?! I don’t want to give up on him but this is no way to live wondering what I did to deserve this. There is no middle ground. How sad that is your opinion. It is not uncommon for dysfunctional behavior to cross-pollinate in such a way as to look like something else and this is most frequently the case with hyper-impulsivity and other hypomanic spectrum episodes. You blend traditional CBT with Eastern thought in a way that is both understandable and so compassionate, and your writing has been very helpful to me in such a challenging time! If I simply talk to a friend she feels abandoned and accuses me of cheating - even with another man! Those are very validating and definitely make me feel less crazy. For people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), ‘splitting’ is a commonly used defense mechanism that is done subconsciously in an attempt to protect against intense negative feelings such as loneliness, abandonment and isolation.. Splitting causes a person to view everything and everyone in black and white, ‘absolute’ terms. What I do is research, by both formal and informal methods, everything related to BPD and synthasize and write about it in the same way a journalist writes about medicine and health care or financial issues. Interesting and important information Michael. He loves her but says this is how she is. The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. It would interesting to see the the "brain studies" you reference about the amygdala being more active in BPD sufferers than in the general population. Psychiatrists know literally nothing about the truth behind mental health - HUMAN BEINGS ARE VERY FICKLE AND CAN NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND ANYTHING UNLESS THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED IT THEMSELVES!! That's about your ego, which is about the inherent narcissism of the disorder that you claim you've recovered from, which looks really black and white to the causal observer. Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. I realize that my partner has thrived on the drama of the conflict and then the reconnection, usually because is intense and satisfying to be closer to one another. I am not putting myself out there as a mental health professional. You are left with nothing. I have also become the father to her two youngest daughters, they never had (their father was addict to alcohol, marijuana, abused their mother and held her in fear). It’s time to change that. I wrote an article about that here some time ago. Not for myself but for him knowing he will take this problem with him wherever he goes if not handled. There are, in service of this, two prominent "styles" of borderline breakthrough that occur upon the entire continuum of borderline behavior - the "aggressive" and the "demure" borderline styles. You didn't follow the thread of the discussion correctly and it seems like you're creating a whole lot noise around you're mistake, which only adds to your mistakenness. The primary definition of to split is "to divide sharply or cleanly." There was a pic of a woman I said was beautiful, my spouse asked me if I could imagine to have sex with her, I answered honestly that I could. My question is to both Michael and his readership, particularly any children of Borderlines out there: What works best for the recovery of adult children of Borderline parents, particularly Borderline mothers? Having had both, while there may well be some simularity I guess I wonder upon what you base this comparison that leads you to the conclusion of the simularity you describe as relatively healthy people experiencing dysregulated emotions and therefore being as you said, somewhat or a bit "borderliney". One could be the craziest and most inherently narcissistic person this side of the Atlantic and still be right on all counts. Your story is very similar to my experience and the physical shaking is a painful reminder of what I went through as well. The borderline understands the damage he/she has caused and understands the disorder to know that why the behaviors are caused but does not use it as an excuse to mistreat his/her partner anymore. As a mom I am in the process of learning about this illness. She constantly says I lie and I don't. Not all professionals share your rigid opinion. I'm afraid to be left alone and she knows it. Please heed the warnings as I was very emotionally healthy prior to meeting her, and now am regaing my swagger...but with much work Please explain your intent with that comment. Gradually, over time, he split me black. When Mental Health Clinicians Only Rely on Surveys and Screeners for Diagnosis, Everyone Loses, All About Quiet BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), COVID-19 Vaccinations Are Well Behind Schedule: How We Can Turn That Around, 14 Healthy Foods That Are High in Potassium, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, quickly cutting off communication with someone they think might end up abandoning them, rapidly changing feelings about a person, from intense closeness and love (idealization) to intense dislike and anger (devaluation), rapidly initiating physically and/or emotionally intimate relationships. This is because the person being split begins to mirror the traits and behaviors of the borderline character s/he is experiencing in reaction to, and sometimes in an effort to manage, the behavior with which s/he is confronted; something that I refer to as the counter-borderline character. To think you can bring them around yourself as if you're a therapist trained in the field, is apt to wear you out very quickly. I see no future with this woman, at least not if I manage to stay stable..... Do I nee to say that I am in a tricky situation? Those affected often engage in self-harm and other dangerous behavior. Least I can't be told I'm the fault of all bad to my face or text/phone/email. Opened the curtains to let light into the side room- I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. We have no way to measure anguish or compare/contrast our inner experience to that of someone else. Where to … When your borderline splits you black Posted Jun 16, 2009 Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has become something of the flavor of the week in … We dated regularly for the next ten months and he asked me to move back in the house with him. He threw things in my face that had happened years ago that I thought had been resolved. I start to shake when she calls waiting to hear the latest accusations. pAin is pain is pain. In regards to pain, there have been brain studies showing that in BPD sufferers, the part of their brain that controls emotion is way more overactive than "normal" people, and the part of the brain that stops these extremely intense emotions doesn't work as well as in "normal" people. I’m not even certain at this point what he has but based on the information I have and history I believe it’s petulant BPD. Lack of a degree or professional training does not preclude any person from arguing correct and logical points any more than the presence of a degree or training precludes a person from arguing incorrect and illogical points. And I think the answer to your original question is in the asking. Advice on getting him communicating again? Now that she hates us for the last 3 weeks, he is back in the picture. People with BPD often experience intense fears of abandonment and instability. And I can't "get help" for myself on the side because she just "knows" that I'll be talking badly about her. A little later we sat in the sofa and she came in with the biggest kitchen knife we have, sat down opposite of me and said "now I have the power, I can do like this or like this..." making a gesture she would stab me, cut her veins or her own throat, and she was not present in the real world. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious form of mental illness characterized by a pattern of mood swings, impulsive actions and problems with relationships. I'm a little confused. After all, all of this aside, each individual's emotional experience and emotional pain needs to be respected for what it is for each individual. - If you abandon her, she will not be able to respond. I believe what you are suggesting is that you have learned to approximate a range of normal behavior by learning to manage your emotions, which is all a BPD sufferer can really do and which is also the foundation of treatments like DBT. If you or a loved one has difficulties with borderline anger, please seek out care from a therapist or other mental health professional. Splitting often confuses those who are trying to help people with BPD. I said I was sorry, I just couldn't go this year. We haven’t spoken in 3 weeks, though she is living in our garage apartment with her 2 sons. Such splitting can leave the person being hurt, annoyed, and confused by the sudden shift in your perception. You are currently viewing our community as a guest -- which gives you limited access to view most discussions and our other features. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. She is always stressed and has threatened to kill herself if she just can’t get some rest. I got this comment and I thought it was on my blog. Because I have been crazy about this woman and wanted to be closer to her, I decided to leas an apartment in her town. In nearly ALL of the trips, we ended up in conflict either during or at the end of each trip. My experience is limited to a fairly complex long distance relationship that was mostly in my own head but the experience of being consumed with another persons wellness is something I’ve become a professional at over 4 years. Be open-minded. Why You Have Romantic Feelings for Someone You Hardly Know, Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Face Masks and Children’s Emotion Understanding, AI Machine Learning Used to Predict Psychosis, Why Some Children Live With a Persistent Fear of Abandonment. I didn't know how to deal with it and I struggled for a long time. 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