He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose). Pam Ayres poems, quotations and biography on Pam Ayres poet page. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. Wedding Poems. It is believed that Trump hopes their co-operation will match the friendship between Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher in the 1980s. Accessorize! addService(googletag.pubads()); The requested URL index.php was not found on this server. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul. Then Ma awoke to look outside There she saw the terrible sight: Tho not too smart; she DID know that brown is not the color of snow ! And the mop on his chin had a button-down collar, And with that red nose he looked like a baller. And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you see, And you investigate. Accessorize! Ran up the steps to the second floor, Rapped on the window of the principal’s door. We are no longer accepting comments on this article. The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. . script> Mr. Slater, in charge of the kindergarten class, Needs the answers to some questions And he needs them fast.”, “Can Santa be black?’ “Can Santa be thin?’ “Does Santa always have to be a him?'”. He howls and jumps back in his sleigh. Rolled up in Christmas paper The Action Men were tensed, All ready for the morning, When their fighting life commenced, With tommy guns and daggers, All clustered round about, “Peace on Earth – Goodwill to Men” The figures seemed to shout. (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), He laid the jazz on me and peeled from the gig, Wailing, “Have a cool Yule, Man!” and clutched off in his rig. And out of every cranny, cupboard, Hiding place and nook, Little bikes and kiddies’ trikes, Were secretively took, Yards of wrapping paper, Was rustled round about, And bikes were wheeled to bedrooms, With the pedals sticking out. From the horror of playing host in ‘The Dinner Party’ and complaints about pub tableware in ‘Don’t Put My … Pam’s autobiography, The Necessary … Saved by Dwain Preston. var left_side_mapping = googletag.sizeMapping(). Are there any suggestions? UP IN THE ATTIC includes hilarious poems such as The Dinner Party, Don’t Put My Dinner On The Slate, Geriatric... Read more. Home; Poems. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic. His threads were from Cubesville and I had to chuckle, In front, not in back, was his Ivy league buckle! I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”, As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt —, I said to myself, as I only can “You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”, So–away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip. ', Another added: 'Perhaps, as women often do, She'll not protest too much While tiny hands do damage To everything they touch.'. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. Pam Ayres, ‘Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. With writer, broadcaster and poet Pam Ayres plus there's Grill Graham with Maria McErlane. Yes, I’ll … Sometimes I have been a she: All these things are a part of me. Vaccines minister Nadhim Zahawi fears take-up of Covid jab may be lower among black and ethnic minorities. ', It has been revealed that Theresa May would become the first world leader to visit Trump in the White House, amid revelations he refers to her as 'my Maggie', Ayres - who became a household name in the 70s for her short, droll poems - even inspired other social media users to have a go, with similarly witty results, Pam Ayres made her name on Opportunity Knocks, a talent show in the 70s similar to Britain's Got Talent. Won’t the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow And see how I’ve guarded the tree. The version here is ideal for born-and-bred Londoners, but there are also versions for retired policemen and women (‘The Law’s Prayer’) and people in Derbyshire around. They'll never know the things we did. addSize([1020, 400], [728, 90]). “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. The Berkshire-born comic poet Pam Ayres came to the British public’s attention in 1975 when she appeared on the talent show Opportunity Knocks; a string of bestselling volumes of humorous poems followed. Choose a poem. Dear Mr. Slater, Dear Girls, Dear Boys, Once a storywriter caught me bringing you toys. From the dubious joy of being an exhausted, panic-stricken hostess in 'The Dinner Party' or… But now comes the reckonin’ It’s methey are beckonin’ Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth. From up above the fireplace, Christmas cards began to fall, And trodden on the floor, said: “Merry Christmas, to you all.”. var bottom_banner_mapping = googletag.sizeMapping(). His eyes, how they twinkled! My guests would be: Florence Nightingale - because i would like to find out more about her inspiration for changing the profile of nursing He defragged my hard drive, and added a “Dimm”, Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim! Nothing that might be construed to pollute. There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll. Let’s ask Santa!” Someone called out in a shout. googletag.cmd = googletag.cmd || []; googletag.cmd.push(function() { Your email address will not be published. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. But lately with the virus here. I’d draw in your tummy and smooth down your back Till you’d be a dream in those tight fitting slacks. With the same magic that has enchanted her fans for more than four decades, Pam's new collection is by turns hilarious, reflective and profound. googletag.defineSlot('/51987917/Coolest_Holiday_Parties/970x90_Bottom', [970, 90], 'div-gpt-ad-1486975476531-3'). Posting to her 38,000 followers, Ayres, 69, wrote: 'On meeting Mr. President, Poor Mrs. May must quake, Which part of her anatomy, Will he decide to shake? “Goodnight to All”, I heard him say “Hey Santa – next year come without the sleigh”. Could it be a cat or a mouse? Make this thing hip!”. addSize([0, 0], [300, 250]). My skin has been black, white, yellow, red, brown; My eyes have been slanted, crossed, and round. I’ve seen ‘droppings’ before, but never this size fall out of the clouds or down from the sky; Here was something earthly made – a miniature sewer on my roof did lay – the size of a bowling ball the smell of chocolate chip, And over the side of my roof – an awful drip ! When what to my wondering eyes should appear? The British poet and songwriter treated followers of her Twitter account to a short ditty asking which part of May will the President shake when they come face to face. Slater? Hard luck squire! The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. I’d bring back the shape with which you were gifted So things now suspended need not be uplifted. I made myself a snowball, As perfect as could be, I thought I’d keep it as a pet, And let it sleep with me. The pair are expected to discuss a new deal for Britain as it prepares to exit the European Union. defineSizeMapping(top_banner_mapping). This parody of the Lord’s Prayer is one of the more original non-religious funny funeral poems. googletag.defineSlot('/51987917/Coolest_Holiday_Parties/300x250_5', [300, 250], 'div-gpt-ad-1486975476531-8').addService(googletag.pubads()); The Prime Minister, who was the tenth world leader to be phoned by Mr Trump after his election, was due to meet him in February but will now fly out next week. Hold your ground, even when the heat is on. Pam Ayres 50 Shades of Grey. I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you’ve got to be careful with that word today. ', to a poignant reflection of war in 'Down the Line'and the bittersweet nostalgia of 'Up in the Attic', this new collection will tickle and move readers in equal measure. Do we have any answers To these difficult questions?”. As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me ‘side da head. Now all you’re gettin’ is coal, You friggin’ moron!”. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! So they wouldn’t let him have a drum A whistle or a flute They would only give him rubber toys The kind you couldn’t toot. My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. Frazer, Ms. Frazer, what can I do? I’d give you back all your maidenly vigor, And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure. . “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. And no heating pad needed since your muscles won’t ache. Slater, it’s a difficult task To find answers to the questions you ask. Speed it up! Pam’s latest book, UP IN THE ATTIC, is published in paperback by Ebury Books on August 6th. You see, we are the 'oldies' now. From the dubious joy of being an exhausted, panic-stricken hostess in ‘The Dinner Party’ or feelings of unease about pub tableware in ‘Don’t Put My Dinner on the Slate!’, to a poignant reflection of war in 'Down the Line'and the bittersweet nostalgia of ‘Up in the Attic’, this new collection will tickle and move readers in equal measure. And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. And nothing for her. The kids that fell by had just made the street; I was ready for Snoresville, and man, was I beat; When there started a rumble that came on real frantic, So I opened the window to figure the panic. With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. The Busman’s Prayer by Anon. Always put your best foot forward. Music, poetry … Pam Ayres has been a regular on television and radio since winning the talent show Opportunity Knocks in 1975 - on Just a Minute, The Comedy Quiz, Countdown and her own series, Ayres on the Air. The version here is ideal for born-and-bred Londoners, but there are also versions for retired policemen and women (‘The Law’s Prayer’) and people in Derbyshire around. “Ms. The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste. The children asked these questions That now I ask of you: ‘Can Santa Claus be black?’ ‘Can Santa Claus be thin?’ ‘Does Santa always have to be a him? When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop. He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin’, Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin’. The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. Saved by Dwain Preston. (Written by Pam Ayres) T’was the Internet Night Before Christmas. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! The 71-year-old poet, comedian, songwriter and presenter first found fame with an appearance on Opportunity Knocks in 1975. When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). And out upon the hillside, Where the Christmas trees had stood, All was completely barren, But for little stumps of wood, The little trees that flourished All the year were there no more, But in a million houses, Dropped their needles on the floor. The evidence left behind is surely proof cause I was blessed with Rudolph’s poop !! No one’s talkin’ brotherhood, No one’s givin’ gifts; And no one loves a Christmas tree On March the 25th. Hedgehogs, poems and Pam Ayres feature in this week's #TeamNorton podload. by Pam Ayres I am going to kill my husband, I have stuck all I can stick, His constant criticising is getting on my wick. So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth… May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth. Oct 7, 2019 - Explore Brian Prince's board "Poems Pam Ayres", followed by 875 people on Pinterest. Like he was the squarest, the most absolute, But let’s face it, who cares when he left all that loot? I’m barkin’, I’m growlin’, I’m bitin’ his butt. I’d remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin So you wouldn’t spend hours rubbing grease on your skin You’d never have flashes or queer dizzy spells And you wouldn’t hear noises like ringing of bells. The year he spied me opening my sack, My skin was white, my boots were black. addSize([0, 0], []). I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot. ', Pam Ayres (left) has waded into the Donald Trump p*ssy-grabbing row in her own unique way - by penning a poem imagining the first meeting between him and Theresa May, In response, one user wrote: 'Perhaps he'll pat her shoulder But, being Donald Trump, He'll probably be bolder and slap her on the rump! Have no doubt that Santa is real He does come each and every year. addSize([1020, 400], [728, 90]). All the holiday parties had gone to my waist. I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick. Subject: Dinner Party Guests Posted by: tezza1551 Date: Nov 04 09 Imagine you are giving a dinner party, and can invite six guests from any era of history. Pam Ayres is celebrated in the UK (and far beyond) as a favourite radio, TV and stage entertainer; it is impossible to read her comic poems without hearing her voice in your head. We can't go out the gates. I’ve frightened the whole bunch away. In the recording, released during last year's campaign trail, Trump can be heard saying 'when you're a star... you can do anything. and The Last Hedgehog. The poem is in reference to a video which captured a newlywed Trump boasting about how he gropes women back in 2005. Grab them by the p*ssy. On this page you’ll find Valentine party ideas, romantic, Coolest Valentines Ideas, Printables, & Lots More. How I laughed at my mother’s false teeth, As they foamed in the waters beneath. Infections drop AGAIN as UK records 37,535 more Covid cases and 599 deaths and vaccinations top 4million... Has London beaten the second wave of Covid? At the end of the year, when I see what’s needed most, I take that shape, like a Christmas ghost. She says that she wrote them to be proclaimed out loud with gusto. You’d never have a headache, so no pills would you take. Yeah, you bet. ga('create', 'UA-548486-4', 'auto'); Just seen Pam Ayres on Gardeners World and it got me remembering some her of fantastic poems, googled some of them and came across this one. The rapidly changing face of the High Street: These 30 leading retailers went bust, changed hands, moved... Norway denies 'direct link' between deaths of 33 elderly people and Pfzier Covid vaccine they received. If I were ol’ Santa, you know what I’d do I’d dump silly gifts that are given to you And deliver some things just inside your front door Things you have lost, but treasured before. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. These top poems are the best examples of pam ayres poems. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it’s a Mac). The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste. Start off with a big, Check out these lovable Valentines ideas! But Grand-paw had a sneaky side A desire to get back at his son for all the noise he had made while still living under the gun, The day finally came when he got his chance To even up the score He wore a red suit and a long white beard And knew the quiet would be no more, For it was Christmas morn and all were still asleep except for Grand-paw and one little boy who sneaked down the stairs and into the room where the tree had a very special toy, It was wrapped in red paper and a big white bow The anticipation was getting great For everyone else would be up soon And then it would be too late. His pipe had his workers quite frightened eight seconds flat ; “ on Apple, without much propriety, to. Fur trimmed red suit was called “ Unenlightened. ” a fat finga right my. 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